The Noodle Incident
by ErinMilne
Summary: Almost as long as the strip has been around, Calvin and Hobbes fans have wondered one thing. What IS the Noodle Incident? This tell-all story reveals the truth, which involves salamanders, bathroom breaks, and even a chase scene! No one is safe until the school day is over, and even then they aren't safe! Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1: Before the Bus

**Disclaimer: I do not own Calvin and Hobbes.**

It was a lovely Monday morning in Chagrin Falls, Ohio. But for one six-year-old boy on Oakleaf Way, it could have been anything but.

Calvin groaned as he changed out of his pajamas and into his school clothes, "Every day I have to get up and go to school. Nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But not today." Tying a cape around his neck and slipping on his space commander helmet, he added, "Today, I go for the gusto."

"How exactly do you intend to do that?" asked his best friend, a tiger named Hobbes, who was looking on from the bed. "Simple," Calvin replied. "I slip some worms and salamanders into the cafeteria, then make my escape while everyone else is distracted. This will be a breeze."

There was a slight pause, then Hobbes told Calvin, "I think you should ask your mom if it's okay." Calvin was clearly surprised. "What are you, nuts?!" he retorted. "Have you seen Mom's reactions when I do something like this? It needs to be a secret, and I need to know if I can trust you to keep your mouth shut."

Hobbes inquired, "If this operation is supposed to be a secret, why'd you tell me?" "Because you're my best friend," Calvin replied. "Will you blab or not?" Hobbes raised his paw-hands in a gesture that suggested surrender and said, "Okay, fine. I won't tell a soul. Tiger's honor."

"Good," said Calvin, tying his sneakers and leaving the room. Hobbes looked after him and thought aloud, "I sure hope he doesn't get in trouble. Then again, knowing this kid, that's more likely than not..."

* * *

As Calvin poured himself a bowl of his favorite cereal, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, his mother ordered, "Take off that helmet and cape, Calvin. You are not wearing that to school." Calin grumbled, but did as his mother asked. He'd been planning to carry his critters to school in the helmet, and the cape... well... went good with the helmet. Now what was he going to use?

An idea popped into his head. "Mom, can I bring Dad's hat to school today? It's for... ah... show and tell!" Calvin's mother raised her eyebrows. "And why do you want your father's hat?"

Calvin hadn't been expecting that, but he quickly strung together a cover story. "Miss Wormwood said today is Career Day. Everyone has to wear something that shows what they want to be when they grow up. I was gonna do 'superhero', but now I'm thinking I'll go as a patent attorney."

Calvin's mother shrugged and went back to washing the dishes. Calvin sighed with relief. After quickly finishing his cereal, he headed out to the woods behind his home - and the pond. There, he was able to locate a few salamanders and slip them into the hat. Then, in his mother's flower garden, he dug up worms, and lots of them. Calvin got to the bus stop just as the bus pulled up. As he took his seat, he thought, _Oh, man, this is gonna be sweet!_


	2. Chapter 2: Chaos in the Cafeteria

"In 1812, when James Madison was our president, the United States was fighting Britain in the War of 1812. The main reason for this was _impressment_. Can anyone tell me what _impressment_ is?" Calvin wasn't really listening to Miss Wormwood's history lecture. Instead, he was stressing. It was third period. There was only one more hour between now and lunch. And fourth period was gym class. Calvin had tried multiple times to get out of P. E., and he knew that if Mr. Lockjaw didn't make sure he stayed at the exercises, Moe would. And Calvin didn't want to have his face in Moe's armpit right before eating.

Calvin quickly raised his hand and waved it around. "Yes, Calvin?" Miss Wormwood asked without even looking away from the blackboard.

"Can I please use the bathroom? It's an emergency," Calvin requested, hand still raised high. Miss Wormwood rolled her eyes. "All right, but be back shortly," she sighed.

Calvin raced out the door and down the hall to his locker. He grabbed the hat, made sure none of the worms or salamanders had fallen out, then headed to the cafeteria. The room was empty, so Calvin felt perfectly secure. He carefully slipped open the kitchen door and peeked around. Good - the place was deserted. The lunch ladies were on break. Calvin immediately noticed that there was a large thing of noodles sitting next to the serving bins. Perfect. Calvin grabbed his worms and slipped them into the noodles. The food was an odd shade of brown, so the worms probably wouldn't show. _Now, what to do with these salamanders?_ Calvin wondered. He could put them in the ground beef, or the pudding, or... "What the heck!" said Calvin aloud. "I'll just let 'em have the run of the kitchen. That'll cause some chaos." He placed the salamanders on the kitchen counter, near the sink. His work here was done.

Calvin raced back down the hall towards Miss Wormwood's room, heart pounding with excitement. He'd done it. He'd actually put disgusting creatures into the cafeteria. As he reentered the classroom and his seat, Calvin let out a sigh of relief. Now all he could do was wait for lunch.

* * *

"_Ewww!_" screamed Susie Derkins. "_There's something crawling around in my noodles!_" Calvin rolled his eyes. Why, oh why, oh _why_ was Susie always such a wimp? Still, Susie's reaction was proof that his little scheme had worked in creating a diversion. Sure enough, other kids started freaking out about their noodles, and teachers were rushing in to see what was going on. Then the lunch ladies came racing out of the cafeteria as if their bottoms were on fire. This commotion attracted the principal, Mr. Spittle. And, there was at least one kid who had eaten the noodles before word got out that there were worms in them, so the nurse was also in the cafeteria.

Calvin raced out of the cafeteria and down the hall, heart pounding. He was pretty surprised. He hadn't expected his little scheme to work - whether that was Hobbes getting to him or what, he didn't know. Calvin did know that if he could make it to the woods, he'd be free. Free to goof off, do what he wanted with his day, not to hear Mom or Dad or Miss Wormwood tell him what to all the time. Best day ever. Right here. In his sights.

At the front office, Calvin was delighted to see that the secretary was out, probably getting coffee. He wasted no time in racing through the double front doors of the school and out into the woods that surrounded his hometown. His plan had worked. For once in his lifetime, he didn't have to worry about stupid tests or boring homework. He was free. Finally!

As Calvin tromped through the woods, he suddenly heard sirens heading towards the school, then a crowd of teachers and other faculty racing towards him.

Dang it.


	3. Chapter 3: A Near-Perfect Escape

Calvin started racing through the woods. He'd explored this forest many times in the past, so he knew all the good secrets about it. For example, that there was a cave near the creek just big enough to hide in. He and Hobbes had recently stocked it with candy bars and comic books in case they got really lost in the woods, so he could hang out there until the uproar passed. _I'm such a genius, _Calvin thought as he ran.

The little cave wasn't that big, but it was big enough for a six-year-old and his provisions. Calvin ducked into the cave, crawling deep into it so as not to be seen. Once he had found a comfy position, he grabbed a Hershey's and a _Captain Napalm _(an oldie, but a goodie) as the din continued outside the cave. The little space made all the outside noise echo, so Calvin could hear with almost perfect clarity what was going on.

"This isn't the first time he's done it," came Miss Wormwood's voice. "I seem to recall this happening in the past."

"Relax, ma'am," responded a deep, authoritative voice likely belonging to a police officer. 'We'll find the kid sooner or later. He can't have gone far - shortie." Calvin wanted to strangle the guy for that comment.

Yak yak yak, on and on and on. This was so boring. When would the grownups _ever_ leave?! Calvin returned his attention to the comic book. At the moment, Captain Napalm was battling this new (well, new then) villain called Donkey-Man, who seemed to have no visible powers except that he had a donkey's head. And he was stubborn. So darn stubborn. Apart from that, he wasn't much different than any other Captain Napalm antagonist Calvin had read about. _Why are supervillians always so intent on world destruction or takeover?! _Calvin mulled as he read. _Why can't they stick to more subtle, realistic means? It gets kind of annoying._

Pretty soon, Calvin had read the comic book cover-to-cover. He closed it, flung it aside, and listened carefully. No voices drifted into the cave. Could the adults have left? Calvin didn't want to be absolutely, positively sure. He still remembered how Roslyn, the monster his parents always seemed to hire to babysit him, had tricked him by remaining quiet until he had emerged from the bathroom. Granted, flushing her science notes down the toilet had been totally worth it, but he still felt bitter about being sent to bed so early. Either way, he wasn't taking any chances with anyone over the age of eighteen involved.

A minute passed. Two minutes. Three. Still no sound. Calvin decided that the adults had given up and left. Finally! He crawled out of the cave slowly, just in case. The moment the sunlight hit his eyes again, Calvin shielded them. _Gah, I HATE sun in my eyes!_ he thought. Once Calvin had grown used to the light, he looked around. Nothing but trees and the creek as far as the eye could see. Calvin let out a loud "YES! FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOM!"

And then the adults started after him again.

Calvin raced as fast as he could, but to no avail. They nabbed him before he could go ten feet. Despite Calvin's protests, they carried him kicking and screaming bloody murder back to school.


	4. Chapter 4: Confession and Interrigation

Calvin grumbled as he scribbled down words onto a sheet of notebook paper. He still couldn't believe he'd been brought back to school. His plan had been going so well, too! What had gone wrong?! Now he was stuck in a detention room, writing his own will. Or "explanation", as the teachers called it. Well, he'd just have to rely on his written rhetoric skills to get out of this one.

_I was framed. I didn't do anything wrong. I was on my way back from the bathroom when I saw Jimmy Charleston dashing into the cafeteria. I followed him, only because I know he's a troublemaker and wanted to see what it was this time. I saw him putting salamanders and worms in the kitchen, but didn't think anything was wrong until lunchtime. I smelled a rat then, and approached Jimmy about it, but he threatened to throttle me, so I ran. You guys know the rest. If you want someone to go after, find Jimmy. Don't pick on me! I'm innocent!_

Calvin slammed the paper onto the faculty monitor's desk, then returned to his desk. Five minutes down, fifty-five to go.

* * *

Later that day, Calvin was taking a walk with Hobbes through the woods. The same woods which he'd run into at lunch. However, Calvin was feeling down about the entire incident. "Boy, did I get in trouble today at school," he said as he dragged his feet along the ever-present leaf litter. "Wow."

"What happened?" Hobbes inquired kindly. Calvin, however, was in no mood to chat. "I don't even want to talk about it," he replied.

The two walked in silence for a moment, letting the woods say a few words. Hobbes then broke the silence with, "Did it have anything to do with all those sirens about noon?"

"I _said_ I don't want to talk about it," Calvin growled. Boy, he wished all this could be forgotten within a few weeks.

Out of nowhere, a loud voice was heard, belonging to Calvin's father, home from work. "_Where's that kid?!_"

"What did you do now?" Hobbes asked, rolling his eyes. Calvin's palm hit his forehead.

* * *

Calvin's wish would not come true. Quite the opposite, in fact. The occurrences of the day would live on forever in Chagrin Falls Elementary and Patterson family history. The subject would come up again and again in parent-teacher conferences, report cards, and the ever-present reminding of Hobbes (Calvin did tell him what had happened that day, eventually). It was always referred to with the same name: The Noodle Incident.

The end.


End file.
